Daily Archives: February 23, 2014

Radio XXXI, side B, track 13: “Funky Cold Medina” by Tone Loc

Tone Loc - Funky Cold MedinaOh, Tone Loc, I was pretty excited to record this particular song when I heard it on the latest new music promo.  After all the great sex stories you’d already regaled us with on your previous hit, I could only imagine what delightful sexual peccadilloes I’d get to hear this time out.  And I wasn’t disappointed.  This time out, you talked all about this amazing drink that would make girls want to have sex with you after they drank it.  At least, that was the theory.  Clearly, you didn’t have as much luck as that guy on the other side of the cantina, but it was good for a laugh, right, Tone Loc?

As an awkward youth with very little hope of ever kissing a girl, there was always something fascinating to me about a “love potion”.  When I’d hear about “Spanish Fly” or “funky cold Medina”, I could only imagine the delightful possibilities.  One of my favorite movies from that time in my life was “Love Potion No. 9” where a young Sandra Bullock falls for a very lucky Tate Donovan (and clearly, Tate Donovan had to have some real-life funky cold Medina, right?  He was engaged to both  Sandra Bullock AND Jennifer Aniston!?!?!  Tate Donovan?  Good for you, buddy.).

Of course, having a few decades of life experience behind me and a better handle on the world at large (at least a better handle on it than teenage me), the underlying themes of the song are actually pretty horrifying.  Drugging women to get them to have sex with you.  Testing out questionable drugs on your household pet.  Blatant homophobia.  I actually wonder if this song could become a hit in this day and age?  If so, I think there’d be a lot more hue and cry about it now than anything I remember from its heyday.

I’m sure there’s an argument to be had that this song is all meant in fun, which it clearly is, and we could lament that it couldn’t be made today due to the political correctness that swept through the land in the ’90s and has now become the overall de rigueur way of thinking.  And I wouldn’t disagree that being PC has swung way far from the original intent.  But it’s not a bad thing that I can now empathize with Sheena a little more than I can you, Tone Loc.  I’d like to say that means I’m more enlightened, except that I still giggle at you saying your dog did the wild thing on your leg.

“Funky Cold Medina”

<awesome Tone Loc jam>

Ah, dig it

Cold coolin’ at a bar
And I’m lookin’ for some action
But like Mick Jagger said, “I can’t get no satisfaction”
The girls are all around
But none’a them wanna get with me
My threads are fresh and I’m lookin’ def
Yo, what’s up with L-O-C

The girls I saw jockin’
At the other end’a the bar
Havin’ drinks with some no-name chump when they know that I’m the star
So I got up and strolled over
To the other side’a the cantina
I asked the guy, “Why you so fly?”
He said, “Funky cold Medina”

Funky cold Medina

This brother told me a secret
On how ta get more chicks
Put a little Medina in ya glass and the girls’ll come real quick
It’s better than any alcohol or

A couple’a sips’a this love potion and she’ll be on your lap

So I gave some to my dog
When he began ta beg
And then he licked his bowl and he looked at me and did the wild thing on my leg
He used to scratch and bite me
Before he was much, much meaner
But now all the poodles run ta my house for the funky cold Medina

You know what I’m sayin’?
I got every dog in my neighborhood breakin’ down my door

I got Spuds McKenzie
Alex from Stroh’s

They won’t leave my dog alone with that Medina, pal

I went up to this girl
She said, “Hi, my name is Sheena”
I thought she’d be good ta go with a little funky cold Medina
She said, “I’d like a drink”, I said “Um, ok, I’d go get it.”
Then a couple’a sips, she cold licked her lips and I knew that she was with it
So I took her to my crib
And everything went well as planned
But when she got undressed, it was a big old mess
Sheena was a man

So I threw him out, I don’t fool around with no Oscar Meyer weiner
You must be sure that the girl is pure for the funky cold Medina

Ya know

Ain’t no playin’ with a man

This is the ’80s and I’m down with the ladies

Break it down

<awesome Tone Loc jam>

Back in the saddle
Lookin’ for
A little affection
I took a shot as a contestant on the Looove Connection
The audience voted
And ya know
They picked a winner
I took my date to the Hilton for Medina and some dinner

She had a few drinks, I’m thinkin’ soon
What I’ll be gettin’
Instead she started talkin’ ’bout plans for our wedding

Said “Wait, slow down, love, not so fast, I’ll be seein’ ya”
That’s why I found ya don’t play around with the funky cold Medina

Ya know what I’m sayin’
That Medina’s a monster, y’all

Funky cold Medina

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