Daily Archives: May 21, 2014

Radio XXXVI, side A, track 7: “Beautiful Girls” by Van Halen

Van Halen - Beautiful GirlsOh, Van Halen, remember back when you could sing a song called “Beautiful Girls” and not give it a second thought?  Actually, I’m sure you still don’t give it a second thought.  But as I was listening to this awesome song again, it got me to thinking that I have trouble with what to call the female of the species.  I know, that’s a weird thing to say, Van Halen, but hear me out.  Maybe it’s from too many liberal college courses, maybe it’s because I’ve had too many articles forwarded to me from Jezebel, maybe I just think too much, but I wrestle with the use of the word “girl” and the use of the word “woman” and the use of the word “lady”.

“Girl”, to me, connotes pre-pubescent, or at least a very young, too-young female, one of whom we shouldn’t be singing songs about the way you’re singing this song, Van Halen (also looking at you, Waterfront).  But “woman” has always seemed too formal to me.  And when I think about it, if I was talking to my parents or something about a coworker, I’d probably say “She’s a girl that I work with”.  I wouldn’t even consider saying “She’s a woman I work with”.  It seems weird to me.  “Lady” seems like a safe-ish middle ground, but honestly, “Beautiful Ladies” doesn’t have the same ring to it as “Beautiful Girls”.  And if I see a group of females that I know, I’d probably greet them with “Hello, ladies”, even though that kinda seems like I’m a sleazy lounge lizard.  Definitely not “Hello, women”, though.  If I were a fashionable gay man, I might be able to pull of “Hello, girls”.  I’ve occasionally used “Hey, guys”, because to me, “guys” is all-inclusive, regardless of gender.  Although I get that it’s not.

I only took one women’s course (or is it ladies’ course?) in college, “Women and Children In Developing Countries”, which was actually where I encountered my first real-life lesbian (story for a future post, Van Halen), and honestly, once I start thinking about stuff like this my head starts spinning after about a minute, which is why I don’t think about it too much.  Maybe if I had a daughter I’d be putting more thought into it, in between teaching her every single dirty trick that a guy is capable of.  And this time, I mean guy in the wholly male sense of the word.  As it is, I’ve got a couple nieces who I kinda wish would just stay girls forever so I wouldn’t have to deal with what womanhood means for them, since I clearly don’t have a goddamn clue what I’m talking about.

Thanks a whole helluva lot, Van Halen. . .

“Beautiful Girls”

<awesome Van Halen jam>

She was a-seaside sittin’, just a-smokin’ and a-drinkin’ on ringsiiide
On top’a the woooorld
Ohh yeah

She had her drink in her hand, she had her toes in the sand and whoa!
Ha, ha
What a beautiful giiiiirl, ah yeah

What a sweet talkin’ honey with a little bit’a’ money, she turn your head around
Creature from the sea with the looks ta me like she like ta fool around
What a snappy little mammy gonna keep a pappy happy and accompany me
To the ends of the eeeearth, ah yeeeah
Ah, that’s why I said
Here I am, ain’t no
Man of the wooorld, nooo
All I neeeeed is a beautiful giiiirl
Ahhhh yeah, beautiful girls

Woo, come here
Come here, come here

Well, I’m a bum in the sun and I’m havin’ fun and I know you know I got no special plans
(Special plaaans)

All the bills’a paid, I got it made in the shade, an’ all I n-n-need is the wommmaaan, ha ha ha (understaaand)

What a sweet talkin’ honey with a little bit’a’ money, she turn your head around
Creature from the sea with the looks ta me like she like ta fool around

Here I am, ain’t no
Man of the wooorld, nooo
All I neeeeed is a beautiful giiiirl
Ahhhh yeah, beautiful giiiiirl

Ohh, come this way, babe

<awesome Van Halen jam>

Sit down right here

Ooo la laa

Think I got it now

Now I’m a-seaside sittin’, just a-smokin’ and a-drinkin’ on ringsiiide
On top’a the woooorld
(Top’a the woorld)

I got a drink in my hand, I got my toes in the sand, all I neeed
Is a beautiful giiirl

(Beautiful giiirl)

Oh, yeah
Here I am, ain’t no
Man of the wooorld, nooo
All I neeeeed is a beautiful giiiirl
Ahhhh yeah, beautiful giiiiirls
Whoa! I ain’t lyin’ to ya
Nothin’ else I need
(Ahhhh yeah, beautiful girls) sitchaself oooon down
(Ahhhh yeah, beautiful girls) Ow!

(Ahhhh yeah, beautiful girls) Ow!

(Ahhhh yeah, beautiful girls) Woo! Come here, baby, come here, whoa
(Ahhhh yeah, beautiful girls) What’s your name, honey? What’s your, hey, hey, where ya goin’?
(Ahhhh yeah, beautiful girls) Hey! Hey, hey! Wait a minute, wait a min… ohh!
(Ahhhh yeah, beautiful girls) I love ’em! I need ’em!
(Ahhhh yeah, beautiful girls) Can’t do without ’em, no!
(Ahhhh yeah, beautiful girls) Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!
(Ahhhh yeah, beautiful girls)

(Ahhhh yeah, beautiful girls)
<David Lee Roth smooching sound>

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