Daily Archives: October 16, 2014

Radio XLII, side A, track 9: “Cold Hearted” by Paula Abdul

Paula Abdul - Cold HeartedOh, Paula Abdul, I always feel bad for animals who get lumped in with crappy human beings.  Like snakes.  Especially snakes.  Snakes have really gotten a bad rap.  If you went to any Christian church for years (as I did) or know the Judeo-Christian creation story, you know that Adam and Eve were kicked out of Paradise because Eve tempted Adam with an apple (or as some songs would suggest, a pink Cadillac), and the apple was provided by a serpent.  And my understanding has always been that the serpent was really Satan in disguise, and yet God ended up cursing every snake forever.  Plus he cursed all humanity as well.  It was a pretty raw deal all the way around, Paula Abdul.

And then here you come, singing this most excellent song, and you’ve got to pull in the snake again and compare him to some asshole that your friend shouldn’t be dating.  Let’s leave the snake out of it, Paula Abdul.  I think we can just leave it at that the guy’s a cold-hearted bastard or douchebag or something else.  A snake can’t help being a snake.  This guy you’re singing about, on the other hand, knows exactly what he’s doing.

Don’t get me wrong, Paula Abdul, it’s not like I LOOOOOVE snakes.  I’m more in the Indiana Jones camp, i.e. “Snakes!?!?  I hate snakes!!!  Hate ’em!”  Maybe I don’t hate them as much as Indy, but then again I didn’t fall into a whole vat of them during one of my early adventures (man, it would be great if I could say I had early adventures. . .).  But I have a healthy distaste for them.  I leave them alone, they leave me alone, we’re all good.

My point in all this, Paula Abdul, is let’s leave the animals out of it, okay?  If snakes were sentient and capable of emotions, they would be incredibly hurt by this song for the sole fact that no creature with half a brain would ever cheat on you or any of your friends.  Well, unless they were cheating on one of your friends with you.  That’s just common sense.

Wait, does that make me a snake?

“Cold Hearted”

<awesome Paula Abdul jam>

He’s a cold-hearted snake (girl)
Look into his eyes

Uh oh

He’s been tellin’ lies

He’s a lover boy at play (girl)
He don’t play by rules (oh ohhhh)
Uh oh
Girl, don’t play the fool now

You’re the one givin’ up the love
Any time he needs it
Butcha turn your back and then he’s off and runnin’ with the crowd

You’re the one ta sacrifice
Anything to please him
Do ya really think he thinks aboutchoo when he’s out?

He’s a cold-hearted snake (girl)
Look into his eyes

Uh oh

He’s been tellin’ lies

He’s a lover boy at play (girl)
He don’t play by rules (oh ohhhh)
Uh oh
Girl, don’t play the fool now

It was only late last night
He was out there sneakin’
Then he calledjoo up ta check thatchoo were waitin’ by the phone

All the world’s a candy store
He’s been trick-or-treatin’

When it comes ta true love, girl, with him there’s no one home

He’s a cold-hearted snake (girl)
Look into his eyes

Uh oh

He’s been tellin’ lies

He’s a lover boy at play (girl)
He don’t play by rules (oh ohhhh)
Uh oh
Girl, don’t play the fool now

How come how come he can he can tell-a tell-a you’re-a you’re-a always always number number one without a doubt
When-a when-a he is he is always always squirmin’ squirmin’ like a little snake under-a e-ver-y-a rock
You’ve been you’ve been workin’ workin’ on the on the love and he’s been only only playin’ undercover all the while
Take a take another ‘nother look into his eyes and you will on-ly see a rep-tile
 
You could find somebody bet-ter, girl

He could only make ya cry

You deserve somebody bet-ter, girl

Lemme tell ya
He’s c-cold as ice ice ice ice

(Cold as ice)

(He’s cold as ice)

(He’s cold as ice)

Stay away from him
Girl
C-c-c-cold-hearted
Ooo ahh ahh

C-c-c-cold-hearted sssssssnake

C-c-c-cold-hearted
Ooo ahh ahh

C-c-c-cold-hearted sssssssnake
He’s a cold-hearted snake (girl)
Look into his eyes

Uh oh

He’s been tellin’ lies

He’s a lover boy at play (girl)
He don’t play by rules (oh ohhhh)
Uh oh
Girl, don’t play the fool fool
Uh
Ahh
Look into his eyes
Uh
Ahh

He’s been tellin’ lies

Uh
Ahh
He don’t play by rules
Uh
Ahh
Girl, don’t play the fool
He’s a cold-hearted snake (girl)
Look into his eyes

Uh oh

He’s been tellin’ lies

He’s a lover boy at play (girl)
He don’t play by rules (oh ohhhh)
Uh oh
Girl, don’t play the fool
He’s a cold-hearted snake (girl)
Look into his eyes

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