Radio XLVII, side A, track 11: “Donny Osmond spoof”

Oh, Donny Osmond, so the last time we had a song come up by you, I may have mentioned that I thought you were an egotistical douchebag.  Oh, that hasn’t changed any, Donny, sorry if you thought an apology was coming.  But I did want to say that a parody of a Donny Osmond song seems unnecessary.  It’s like writing a song about Danny Bonaduce or Adam Rich.  I don’t think you’re as messed up as those guys are, but still, just being you is a punchline in itself.  Normally, I’d feel kinda bad writing something that mean-spirited, but for one thing, who the hell am I?  It’s not like you’ll ever see this.  And for another, that Ken doll persona of yours makes me think that anything negative about you bounces right off your plastic shell.

But whatever, Donny Osmond, the main point I wanted to make is that besides the fact that this particular spoof seems completely unnecessary, it also made me realize that I never actually recorded “Soldier Of Love”, the song this song is parodying.  And that’s a damn shame, because I actually really enjoyed the hell out of that song, Donny Osmond.  Luckily, the magic of YouTube allows us the ability to travel back to those heady days when you thought people really believed your attempt to change your image to that of pop’s new bad boy.  If I took a drink every time you spin around in a tight ice-dancer twirl in your music video, I could get drunk fairly quickly.  Fun fact, the video was Michael Bay’s directorial debut.  So that video shoot was jam-packed with egotistical douchebags.  And again, you really can’t parody self-parody.  Sorry, Donny Osmond, I guess haters gonna hate.

“Donny Osmond spoof”

So ya know that I’m a singer with a big family

I had a big career until I reached puberty

I danced for Andy Williams and I had my own show

So there’s no confusion I just want you to knooow

My name’s not Partridge and I do not own a chiimp

Don’t call me Michael and I’m not a wiiimp

No, my brothers can’t sing

My sister is grown

Donny Osmond is back

And he’s out on his own

So don’t get me mixed up

When I sing “Puppy Love”

‘Cause I cannot moonwalk

And I don’t wear a glove