Oh, Def Leppard, I’m just not cut out for sex involving food. Maybe I was at one point. I know that I was certainly entranced by the album cover of “Whipped Cream & Other Delights” that my parents had when I was a kid (never listened to the record, but I stared at that cover for hours at a time). And it seems like it’s something that I would enjoy. I like sex. I like food. Putting them together makes sense. But I’m at an age now where I look a lot before I leap. And the amount of work it’s going to take to clean up whipped cream or chocolate syrup or ice cream doesn’t seem worth it to me. Plus those sheets were a wedding gift. And the other sheets I paid good money for. And we JUST bought the couch. I’m not risking getting stains on them. And pouring sugar on me? Why don’t we just have sex in the sand, Def Leppard? Seriously, I’ll be finding sugar granules for months to come, both on the furniture and myself. The dogs will go nuckin’ futs trying to sniff out and lick out every glorious smell such a food-oriented tryst would produce.
Plus, as much as I love food, my gastrointestinal system isn’t what it used to be. I don’t necessarily trust that eating sweets followed immediately by vigorous activity is going to sit well. And I don’t believe bolting out of the bedroom to get to the bathroom in time is anybody’s idea of sexy. Well, maybe to someone it is, but as far as I know, my wife and I are not those someones. So you go ahead and roll around in sugar and whatever else you’re getting up to in this (awesome) song. My sexual adventures are going to remain safely vanilla. But not vanilla ice cream.
“Pour Some Sugar On Me”
Love me like a bomb, baby, come an’ get it on
Livin’ like a lover with a radar phone
Lookin’ like a tramp, like a video vamp
Demolition woman, can I be your man? (be your man)
Razzle-little, dazzle-little, flash a little light
Television lover, baby, go all night
Some time, any time, sugar me sweet
Little Miss Innocent, sugar me, yeah
Yeah
C’mon
Take a bottle
Shake it up
Break the bubble
Break it up
(Pour some sugar on me) Ooo, in the name of love
(Pour some sugar on me) C’mon, fire me up
(Pour your sugar on me) I can’t get enough
I’m hot
Sticky sweet
From my head
To my feet, yeah
Listen
Red light, yellow light, green light, go
Crazy little woman in a one-man show
Mirror queen, mannequin, rhythm of love
Sweet dream, saccharine, loosen up (loosen up)
A-loosen up
You gotta please a little, squeeze a little, tease a little more
Easy operator, come a-knockin’ on my door
Some time, any time, sugar me sweet
Little Miss Innocent, sugar me, yeah
Yeah
Give a l’il more
Take a bottle
Shake it up
Break the bubble
Break it up
(Pour some sugar on me) Ooo, in the name of love
(Pour some sugar on me) C’mon, fire me up
(Pour your sugar on me) Oh, I can’t get enough
I’m hot
Sticky sweet
From my head
To my feet, yeah
<awesome Def Leppard jam>
You got the peaches, I got the cream
Sweet ta taste (saccharine)
‘Cause I’m hot (hot), so hot (hot), sticky sweet
From my head (head, head)
To my feet
Do you take sugar?
One lump or two?
Take a bottle (take a bottle)
Shake it up (shake it up)
(Break the bubble), break it up (break it up)
(Pour some sugar on me) Ooo, in the name of love
(Pour some sugar on me) C’mon, fire me up
(Pour your sugar on me) Oh, I can’t get enough
(Pour some sugar on me) Ooo, in the name of love
(Pour some sugar on me) Come get it, come get it
(Pour your sugar on me) Ohhhhhhh
(Pour some sugar on me) Yeah, hey
Sugar me
Mixed Tape Masterpiece 