Oh, The Jeff Healey Band, you got that right. How the hell did I ever win her love? As I’m writing this post, I’m sitting with one leg up and some ice on my knee. Why? Because I’m old and out of shape, that’s why, The Jeff Healey Band. I’d love to tell you it’s from an old sports injury. . .HAHAHAHAHAAAA. . .sorry, I can’t even type it with a straight face.
Well, I guess as long as we went there, let’s just talk about it. So as I’ve probably made clear, I have close to zero interest in sports. If it doesn’t involve hobbits or men with spider-powers or cyborgs from the future, I’m typically not interested. And forget about playing sports. I’ve always felt bad that I wasn’t interested as a kid, mainly because my brother was a sports fanatic, and it was like pulling teeth getting me to play baseball or basketball or football with him. And when you live out in the middle of the country, you can’t just head down to the park to see if you can get in on a pick-up game. Hell, barely anyone lived in the nearest town, so there probably wasn’t anyone to play a pick-up game with anyway. So my brother ended up having to play catch with himself. He was really good at it, it was actually quite a sight to behold, and it paid off, since once he got to high school he was super-jock. And hell, The Jeff Healey Band, maybe it’s for the best that I constantly blew him off. Had he practiced with me, he would have gotten absolutely nothing out of it since I couldn’t throw nor catch nor dribble nor. . .you get the picture.
Anyway, between 6th and 7th grade, I had a huge growth spurt, the kind where you can actually hear your bones creaking and stretching at night. So when 7th grade rolled around, I was the tallest kid in my class, like a whole 5’7″ or something. And my athletic classmates thought I should join the junior high basketball team. As did the junior high basketball coach. Like my newfound height translated to prowess on the court. Like they’d never seen me walk down a hall without tripping over my own feet. It was like they had “tall goggles” on.
Speaking of goggles, since we couldn’t afford contact lenses and my parents didn’t want to risk my regular glasses, they bought me a pair of sports goggles. It was as sexy as you might imagine.
Anyway, for whatever reason, I agreed that I should indeed play basketball, even if I couldn’t do a lay-up or shoot the ball or dribble the ball or know the rules. . .you get the idea, The Jeff Healey Band. Those basketball games were some of the most humiliating moments of my life. Which is saying something. In two years of basketball, my career high was 5 points when we played the Jasper Quartzsiters, from two layups and a free throw. My career low was the one time my mom was able to come see me play and I had to shoot free throws. The first shot didn’t even make the basket. My teammates encouraged me to put a little more oomph in my next shot. I threw the ball over the backboard. People still talk about it. It was pretty awful. I have no idea why I didn’t quit. I am pretty good at quitting things (other than quitting overeating, that is), but I guess the embarrassment of being a quitter balanced out with the shame of looking like a complete moron.
You have no idea the dread I felt during those basketball games, The Jeff Healey Band. Dread that the coach was going to put me in. I was more than happy to ride the pine. I would have taken pine-riding to the professional level. But when you come from a small town, you go to a small school, and small schools have small sports teams, so everybody got to/had to play. And since I paid absolutely no attention to sports, half the time I didn’t even know what was going on. To this day, I remember how livid my coach was at me during a game against Balaton. I think my cousin may have been there to watch, which was even worse. Anyway, it was near the end of the game, and my coach told me and a teammate to “trap” the guy who was throwing the ball in. I nodded enthusiastically. I stayed down by the guy until the ref blew the whistle to restart the game, and promptly ran down the court to join my other teammates, while the guy I was supposed to be “trapping” with watched me go with what I can only describe as helpless confusion mixed with rage. I did it two more times before the coach called for a time-out and asked me if I knew what a trap was and I had to admit that no, I did not. To his credit, he did not punch me.
Anyway. . .
I’m dredging up all these awful memories because for the last two weeks I’ve been on a new exercise regimen where I walk 2.5 miles every night after work. Mostly to appease my wife, but also because it’s probably a good idea since I’m far from getting younger. Anyway, I have to admit I’d been doing pretty well with it, but by the time I got home after my most recent brisk walk, my knee was pretty much shot. And for the rest of the evening I was groaning and stumbling around the house in mortal agony. And now here I sit, nursing an injury brought about by the dangerous act of walking, and I’m listening to this song about how you can’t believe this beautiful woman would even deign to look your way, and I’m sitting here with my gut and my one good knee and I’m just thankful as hell that my wife can see something that I most certainly cannot. So while I’ll clearly never win at any games of any kind, I’ve most definitely won the game of love.
Was that corny, The Jeff Healey Band? Screw it, we’re going with it. Now I’m going to hobble over to my wife and give her a hug.
“Angel Eyes”
Girl, you’re lookiiin’ fiiine t’niiight
And every guy
Has gotchoo iiin his siiiight
Whatcho doin’ with a clooown like meee
Is surely one’a liiife’s little
Mysteriiiies, so toniiight I’ll aaask
The staaahs aboooove
“How did I
Ever wiiin yo looooove?”
What did I do
What did I say
Ta turn your aaangel eyyyes
My way
Well, I’m the guy
Who never leeearned
Ta dance
Never even got one seeecond glaaaance
Across a crowded room was close enough
I could look but I could
Never tooouch, so toniiight I’ll aaask
The staaahs aboooove
“How did I
Ever wiiin yo looooove?”
What did I do
What did I say
Ta turn your aaangel eyyyes my way
Don’t anyone waaaake me
If it’s just a dream
‘Cause she’s the beeeest thing
Ever happen ta me
All you feeellooows
Ya can
Look all ya like
But this girl you see
She’s leavin’ here
With meeee
T’niiiiiighht
<awesome The Jeff Healey band jam>
There’s just one more thing I neeeeed ta know
If this is love
Why does it scaaaare me sooooo
Must be somethin’
Only yoooou can seeeee
‘Cause girl I feel it when you
Look at meeeee, so toniiight I’ll aaask
The staaahs aboooove
“How did I
Ever wiiin yo looooove?”
What did I do
What did I say
Ta turn your aaangel eyyyes
My way
Heeey hey yeah yeeeeeeeah ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh
<awesome The Jeff Healey Band jam>
Mixed Tape Masterpiece 